Is Your Confidence Inclusive?
Confidence. It’s a word we hear all the time, and for most of us, it’s something we deeply desire. But here’s the truth: confidence wears many faces.
For some, confidence is built on achievements, the grades, the accolades, the promotions, the external praise that reminds us we are “good enough.” For others, it’s born from wounds, a kind of defiance that says, “I’ll show you.” Both of these versions of confidence have value. They can drive us, protect us, and even carry us a long way.
But the question worth asking isn’t whether our confidence is “good” or “bad.” The deeper question is this: Is my confidence inclusive? Does it allow me to stand strong in who I am while staying open to others? Or does it isolate me, keeping me separate from the people and communities around me?
Because at its core, inclusive confidence is about connection with ourselves and with each other. It’s not about bravado but about self-awareness, compassion, and love.
The Many Faces Of Confidence
Let’s start by naming the types of confidence we often see:
Achievement-based confidence: When our sense of worth grows from external markers of success, winning, being praised, ticking off goals.
Defiance-based confidence: When we push back against a wound, a criticism, or an expectation, and our strength becomes tied to rebellion.
Neither is inherently wrong. In fact, both carry resilience, courage, and individuality. They can help us survive, and they can fuel growth.
But they also come with blind spots. When confidence is rooted in comparison, proving, or protecting, it can unintentionally exclude others and even cut us off from parts of ourselves.
When Defiance Becomes a Blockage
This is where we need some gentle awareness. When confidence is built primarily out of defiance, it can create hidden blockages.
Maybe your confidence comes from rebelling against an idea, a system, or even an organisation. Maybe it’s your way of saying, “I won’t be controlled. I won’t follow your rules. I’ll do it my way.”
At first, that can feel powerful. It gives you conviction. It connects you with others who share your values. It builds a sense of belonging with those who also feel like outsiders.
But there’s a risk. When conviction is fuelled by separation, a constant “us versus them”, it can slip into exclusion. Communities formed only on rebellion can become echo chambers. Voices raised in defiance can lose their impact when they’re not willing to hear other perspectives.
And over time, what started as confidence can begin to look more like stubbornness.
Finding the Softer Middle Ground
So how do we shift? How do we hold conviction without closing ourselves off?
The answer is in finding the softer middle ground.
Inclusive confidence allows you to:
Stand firm in your values and beliefs.
Keep your heart and mind open to listening, learning, and even empathising with someone else’s perspective.
Respect difference without feeling the need to fix, argue, or prove.
This isn’t about diluting what you stand for. It’s about recognising that your beliefs and someone else’s can coexist. That you can still connect, even when you don’t agree.
Confidence becomes expansive when it makes space for both conviction and compassion.
Confidence Rooted in Compassion
Heart-based, inclusive confidence is rooted in sincerity. It grows when you can:
Reassure yourself through disappointment, shame, or guilt.
Accept that you won’t always get it right, because you’re human.
Forgive yourself for mistakes, and keep moving forward with kindness.
It’s a confidence that isn’t afraid to look in the mirror and ask:
Am I proud of the person looking back at me?
Do I love the journey I am on, even when it’s imperfect?
Am I willing to witness myself, the good, the bad, the messy and still treat myself with compassion?
When you treat yourself inclusively accepting all parts of who you are, it becomes easier to extend that same openness to others.
Confidence Across Generations
Every generation wrestles with confidence in its own way.
Look through history, and you’ll see the cycles: groups rising in rebellion, societies redefining what it means to stand strong, cultures learning and often failing to balance conviction with compassion.
And just like past generations, we’ll face the same questions:
How do we teach confidence to those coming after us?
How do we model something deeper than achievements or accolades?
The answer lies in the relationship we build with ourselves. When we can model inclusive confidence, standing strong in our own values while holding space for others we create a more expansive foundation for the generations that follow.
The Mirror Test: Including Ourselves First
Confidence begins in the mirror.
When you look at your reflection, can you say:
“I am proud of who I see”?
“I love the journey this person is on”?
“Even when I get it wrong, I still stand by myself with compassion”?
If the answer is no, that’s not a reason for shame. It’s an invitation. A reminder to start making small shifts that allow you to treat yourself with more kindness, forgiveness, and love.
Because when you can confidently advocate for yourself in this way, you naturally create a confidence that attracts abundance, connection, and purpose. A confidence that includes both yourself and others, instead of isolating.
Reflection Questions for Inclusive Confidence
Here are some gentle prompts to help you explore where your confidence comes from:
Do I rely on external proof (achievements, praise, validation) to feel confident?
Is my confidence reactive born from rebellion or defiance or responsive, grounded in my values?
When I feel shame or guilt, do I mask it with bravado, or can I soothe myself with compassion?
Can I listen to another’s story without feeling the need to defend, argue, or fix?
When I look in the mirror, do I feel love for the person I see, even in their imperfections?
The Heart of Inclusive Confidence
At the end of the day, confidence is not about proving, defending, or rebelling. It’s not about perfection or being right.
Inclusive confidence is about living with an open heart and an open mind. It’s about standing firm in your values while still respecting and honouring the values of others. It’s about walking through the world with a conviction that is fuelled by love, not fear.
Because confidence that is truly inclusive doesn’t isolate, it connects. It doesn’t divide, it unites.
So ask yourself this week:
Is my confidence protective, or inclusive?
Am I building it on defiance, or am I building it on compassion?
The answer to that question might just change the way you see yourself and the way you connect with the world around you.
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Gayle xx
